There is an old Yiddish joke about two people who had a dispute and decided to go to the rabbi to resolve their differences. The first man meticulously outlined his side of the argument. The rabbi listened carefully and finally said, “My friend, you are right.” Then the other man told the rabbi his side of the issue. The rabbi was also impressed with these arguments, and said, “My friend, you are right.” The rabbi’s wife, who overheard the conversations, said to him, “How could you tell both men that they were right? It makes absolutely no sense.” After some thought, the rabbi replied, “And you are right too!”
I was thinking about this story as I was reading some of the reactions to the TIME Magazine article “Are You Mom Enough?” and especially the responses to its front cover showing a young mother breastfeeding her 3 year old son. Putting aside the appropriateness of the picture, or the value of breastfeeding toddlers, the article set off a fascinating discussion about Attachment Parenting (AP). On one hand there are smart and capable people like Mayim Bialik, best known for her role as Blossom in the 90s sitcom, who also has a PhD in Neuroscience,and practices AP. Dr. Bialik even wrote a book explaining the virtues of this parenting style and how parents can follow its practices. On the other hand, there are anthropologists and psychologists who strongly doubt the benefits of AP and some even argue that it may be harmful to the children as well as to the parents.
Very few parents will disagree with the objective of AP, “to promote parenting practices that create strong, healthy emotional bonds between children and their parents.” Yet, does one have to follow its recommended parenting strategies in order to achieve this goal?Some of the practices may have a significant toll on parent’s time, energy and wallet. As Erica Jong puts it, “You wear your baby, sleep with her and attune yourself totally to her needs [then wonder how one can] do this and also earn the money to keep her.”
When reading The Eight Principles of Parenting, put together by Attachment Parenting International (ATI), it seemed to me like a model that can be followed by most parents. However, the book that is perceived to be the bible of this philosophy, The Baby Book by Dr. Bill and Martha Sears, reveals a much more rigorous and trying system. The child becomes the sole center of the family life as parents are encouraged to breastfeed the baby until he is ready to quit,to wear their baby (using a sling), co-sleep with her, and to practice Gentle Discipline, in which even giving your child a “time-out” is considered wrong. Opponents of Attachment Parenting, argue that this approach doesn’t prepare children for the “real life”. It comes at a great cost for the parents, mostly mothers, who often feel the need to put their own career on hold, or feel tremendous guilt when they are not able to do it.
What would be a Jewish answer to the parenting style debate? Our tradition teaches us that the obligations of a parent are to teach a child to swim (survival), a trade (to support themselves), to honor their parents, to support their communities, and to be kind and empathetic human beings through acts of loving-kindness. Yet, our tradition doesn’t really outline a path for how to get there.
As any student of Jewish literature knows, our ancient rabbis were much more interested in discussions, debates and reasoning than reaching an absolute truth that only God holds. When you think about your own parenting style, as long as your goals are clear, your intent is pure and your actions are motivated by love and care, you can rest assured that you are right too.