We all had our favorite professor whom we admired. Mine was Yonatan Shapira. He taught me when I was in graduate school at Tel-Aviv University. One of the seminars I took with him was quite unusual. Professor Shapira had just recovered from a severe illness and therefore taught the small class in his office as he was half sitting, half lying on a bed. I was looking forward to our weekly sessions, and even though the intimate setting was at first uncomfortable, I learned to cherish every moment in this extraordinary man’s presence.
I usually enjoyed small classes, however, sometimes when students didn’t show up, the class became too small. One day, I was the only student. Professor Shapira’s reaction was, “I’m here; you are here; we should start”. Luckily, I was prepared and we had an interesting discussion about the subject at hand. Then the professor asked me if I was aware that he had just published a new book. “Of course,” I replied. “Did you, by any chance, have the time to read it?” he asked. “Sure,” I said. He asked me what I thought about the book. I told him how much I enjoyed it and added some details to leave no doubt that I had actually read it. Then he asked me a question that I’ll never forget, and was probably one of the most valuable lessons that I have learned from him, “So why didn’t you say something?”
My response was that I really didn’t think that he, one of the most important political scientists and sociologists in the country, would care about what I had to say about his book. “Of course I care” he said, and continued, “and when the two of us were sitting here and you hadn’t said a word, I simply assumed that you didn’t like it. So I am glad that I brought it up”.
It took me many years to understand the multiple layers of this lesson.First, I learned that it is important to praise someone for her/his achievements even if for professional (or other) reasons we don’t perceive ourselves as their equals. A teacher appreciates a sincere compliment from a student, a manager from an employee, and a parent from a child.
But the deeper impact of the lesson is that it is also important to ask for the praise when it is not expressed, rather than remaining disappointed and frustrated. Some of you may think (as I used to) that an act of gratitude has no meaning unless it comes naturally, without solicitation. If we ask for it, it will be forced and insincere. But the reality is that many people, who genuinely want to express gratitude and admiration, cannot do it because of shyness or other insecurities. In that case, it is important to learn how to ask for what we need, and we all need to be thanked and praised. Yes, we take a risk by doing so; we put ourselves in a vulnerable position. Just think about it – the accomplished professor was saying to me, a young graduate student with a resume that could fit on a small post-it note, that he needed my praise for his book. He turned the hierarchy of teacher-student on its head. But he helped me to express what I needed and wanted to say, and fulfilled his innate need for praise.
Since those happy days of graduate school I never submitted any paper, article or delivered an important sermon without asking my wife to review it first. I need her feedback, and when I don’t get the praise I was hoping for (which makes me grumpy), I go back and rewrite it. Recently, since my daughter entered middle school, I made a point to ask for her opinion as well. I know that her editorial skills are not fully developed, and her experience is limited, but there are many benefits in doing that:
1. I am getting the perspective of a young person, which I hadn’t had for many years.
2. I show her that I value her opinion.
3. She learns how to give constructive criticism.
4. I really feel good when she likes what I write or say, and I am very proud when she disagrees with it.
We are often in a position in which we are either expecting to receive praise, or others are expecting us to give praise. Learning to praise and thank our family members, friends and colleagues in an honest and meaningful way, and to ask for praise when we feel we deserve it, will strengthen our relationships and make our lives more satisfying.