Do you have a favorite child?Most of you would instinctively say “no”, without even taking the time to adequately contemplate the question. After all, in our culture, admitting to favor one child is akin to admitting to being a bad parent. When the Bible (Genesis 37:3) tells us that:“Israel (Jacob) favored Joseph more than any other of his sons, because he was the son of his old age and he made him a robe of many colors,” we are quick to judge Jacob. The verse that follows, which seems to be a logical outcome, only strengthens our disapproval of the ancient patriarch’s behavior: “But when his brothers saw that their father loved him more than all his brothers, they hated him and could not speak peacefully to him”.
Our harsh reprehension of parental favoritism is not limited to Biblical characters. When Kate Tietje wrote in March an unusually open, reflective and honestblog titled “I love my son a little bit more” she received a barrage of angry comments, suggesting that she should see a therapist and even that her children must be taken away from her. Yet, there is growing evidence that favoring one child is much more prevalent than we are ready to admit. Parent.com lists it on “Top Ten Mom Confessions” and Jeffery Kluger, the science writer of TIME, told the Washington Postthat “99 percent of parents have favorites and that the other 1 percent is lying”. This statement is anchored in a vast research of many years as presented in his book “The Sibling Effect”.
So, do we all have a favorite child but are too embarrassed to admit it? Or,is preferring one child a rare parental flaw limited to a negligible group? The answer is both. I believe that we have to distinguish between temporary and constant favoritism. Most of us parents, find ourselves favoring one child more than the others, only who is the favorite one changes. It is easier to like the son, who doesn’t wake you up on weekends before dawn demanding your full attention, better. Yet, he may lose his status as a favorite when his sister thanks you for a wonderful dinner while he is complaining“that there is never anything good to eat in this house”.
Jacob’s favoritism was of the second kind, the constant favoritism. Not only that he loved Joseph more than the others, he never tried to hide it. On the contrary, he gave him the fancy coat so he and everyone else will know who was dad’s favorite. Children understand and accept the fact that their parents often treat different kids in different ways, and at times, it seems that they choose one over the others. But as long as overall, kids sense that they are being treated fairly, they have no problem with it. Parents must be honest with themselves and work hard to make their households as equitable as possible. As the Talmud teaches us (Shabbat 10a) “A man should never single out one son among his other sons, for on account of the two sela’s weight of silk [the coat of many colors] which Jacob gave Joseph in excess of his other sons, his brothers became jealous of him and the matter resulted in our forefathers’ descent into Egypt”.