Whether you are in the envious status of retirees, or still have children who use your home address as theirs, the thing we all want to have less of is stress.You will not be surprised to learn that the level of stress in our society has been consistently going up since the term found its way to the English language in the 1920’s. In addition, we are more aware today of the strong correlation between stress and many physical and mental problems. But since the major causes of stress are related to the workplace, marriage and finance, the assumption is that children for the most part are stress-free. Unfortunately, it cannot be further away from the truth. As you can see from the numbers below (taken from the American Psychological Association) a significant number of children suffer from stress related symptoms, yet most parents are unaware of it.
30% of tweens (ages 8-12) and 42% of teens say they suffer from headaches. However, only 13% of parents reported being aware of their children having headaches.
39% of tweens and 49% of teens report difficulty sleeping. However, only 13% of parents reported being aware of their children having trouble sleeping.
25% of tweens and 39% of teens reported eating too much or too little due to stress. However, only 8% of parents reported being aware of this issue.
The literature is inundated with different methods and techniques aimed at helping us to assuage stress. Yet, when it comes to our children I find the message of the story below (told by Rabbi David Wolpe) to be the most helpful:
A young boy was walking with his father along a country road.When they came across a very large tree branch the boy asked, “Do you think I could move that branch?” His father answered, “If you use all your strength, I’m sure you can.” So the boy tried mightily to lift, pull and push the branch but he couldn’t move it. Discouraged he said, “Dad, you were wrong. I can’t do it.” His dad said, “Try again.” This time, as the boy struggled with the branch his father joined him and together they pushed the branch aside. “Son,” the father said, “the first time you didn’t use all your strength. You didn’t ask me to help.”
Children are not stress-free. The stress that our children have to live with today seems to be much greater than what we had when we were their age. In many cases the weight of school, friends, expectations and puberty is just too heavy for them to lift all by themselves. We, as parents, must convey to them that we are not there to add to their burden, but rather to share it with them, and by that to lighten it.
I do not encourage you to start doing your children’s homework, or put their teacher’s number on speed dial. Just remember that children need a support system, and at this age it is hard to define it. They are often not sure who is on their side and who is not. Yet, one thing must be clear to them, even during harsh arguments – we, their parents, are always on their side. We are the unchangeable force in their support system that will never go away.